Her husband, Jason, was already up and in the shower. She sat there and brushed her hair continuously away from her heavy head that she didn’t want to pick up. Before she rushed in to the bathroom to brush her teeth and wash her face, she needed to take a moment to try to remember bits and pieces of the previous evening. She didn’t want him to be able to surprise her with anything and then claim that she was drunk again and couldn’t remember what had happened, or something that he had told her.
She rubbed her hands quickly over her face and grunted, frustrated. Nothing, not one bit of the previous evening was coming back to her from the moment that she kissed her kids goodnight and walked back down the steps. Years of practice had made her a careful and a very cautious drunk. She had perfected the art of speaking in a quick and hurried voice without slurring, and if it couldn’t be helped she had also perfected the art of silence. Smiling and nodding was really all that was necessary after the kids went to bed anyway.
Ansley shrugged her shoulders and prepared to be quick with her routine. She was late anyway to get the kids out of bed and ready for school. She rushed in to the bathroom and went immediately to the toilet, pulling the door closed behind her. She sat there and listened to the sounds of water being tossed around in the shower. Finally she got up, flushed, and pushed the door open and smiled at him through the foggy glass door.
He smiled back at her and she turned quickly to the sink and washed her hands. He started talking and Ansley rolled her eyes with her back to him. She was about to get an earful of something that happened the night before. He was saying something about something that he had watched on TV after she had fallen asleep – but he said passed out. He never decorated the scene. He always said “passed out,” even if she did just fall asleep. He was used to it. It had become the norm.
She squeezed toothpaste on her toothbrush and she started brushing just before she turned to nod at him, to acknowledge that he was saying something to her. He went silent. She spit, rinsed, and tapped her toothbrush on the sink. Then she turned the water warm and waited. He shut the shower off and stepped out wrapping a towel around his waist. Ansley bent forward and soaped her face up and as she rinsed she felt him rub his hand up and down her back. When she stood up again, with her towel in hand to wipe her face dry, he kissed the top of her head.
“Sex was great last night, babe.”
Ansley swallowed hard and then she smiled at him in the mirror as though she agreed that it was indeed great. Then he kissed the top of her head again and headed back into the bedroom to get dressed. Ansley blew by him, smiling on her way out of the bedroom. She ran into the kitchen and started a pot of coffee and then she ran up the steps to wake up her kids.
Garrett first, the oldest and at eleven had become nearly impossible to wake. She would come back to him. Lily next – the five year old who was still thrilled to wake up to the day full of new and exciting possibilities, even though it was going to be the usual routine. Then Garrett again. “Get up now, or you’re going to spend the rest of the week in this room.”
Grunts and breathy complaints followed. Lily followed closely behind Ansley as she rushed back down the stairs. She poured a quick cup of coffee and asked Lily what she wanted for breakfast. The grinning Lily sat down at the table and said, “Today we are going to have a doughnut party for Macy’s birthday.”
“That’s great sweetheart. What are you going to have for breakfast?” Ansley scooted out of the kitchen into the hallway and yelled up the steps, “Garrett, get your bottom down here, now.”
More grunts and complaints filtered down the steps and then a precise and angry, “I’m coming.”
Ansley quickly went back into the kitchen and addressed Lily again, who was zoned out at the table with her thumb in her mouth. “Thumb, Lily,” Ansley warned. “Do you want cereal?”
“I want pancakes.”
“I don’t have time to make pancakes. What else?” A droopy and cynical Garrett made his way into the kitchen and plopped down at the table while Lily cried out that she wanted pancakes. “I don’t have pancakes Lily. Choose something else.” Then she went to the pantry and pulled out a box of cereal, then to the refrigerator for the gallon of milk. Sipping on her coffee she started pouring cereal in bowls – then milk, then spoons, then napkins. She placed the bowls in front of the kids and went back to her coffee.
Finally Garrett grunted, “I don’t want Raisin Bran, Mom.”
“Well what do you want, Garrett?”
“Pancakes.”
Ansley felt heat rise up through her cheeks as Jason walked into the kitchen and put his arm around her. “What’s for breakfast?” he asked.
Ansley widened her eyes at him, letting him know that it was a sore subject. Then he peered over her shoulder and said, “Alright, Raisin Bran. My favorite breakfast.”
Ansley breathed out, relieved. Then she turned her attention to the table and warned the kids to hurry up and eat. Then she blew by Jason again and said, “Can you handle them while I get a quick shower, as she rushed from the kitchen. She raced through a shower and then she quickly dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. She ran back to the kitchen and announced, “Time’s up. Upstairs both of you. Go get your teeth brushed. I’ll be right up.” Then she sipped from her coffee that had turned cold.
She quickly put the cup back down and turned to Jason who was surfing the internet, slowly and obliviously taking bites of his cereal. “Can you take the kids to school this morning? I have an eight-thirty conference call with a potential client. I would love some time to prepare.”
Jason took a moment to finish what he was reading. Then he slowly lifted his head and started vacantly talking as though he was having trouble tearing himself away from the internet. “Can’t today.” Then he paused to finish chewing. “I have to be at work by eight.” Then he stood up and said, “In fact, I have to get going.”
Ansley let her shoulders drop, defeated by his claim. Then he looked at her with the same apologetic yet reiterating look he always used when he had to tell her again, “If you tell me these things ahead of time I can plan for it.”
“I just found out late yesterday afternoon,” Ansley lied. She had known about it for days and forgotten to mention it.
“Sorry babe.” He was moving around her quickly then, preparing his thermos of coffee. “Try to give me more notice next time.”
Ansley acknowledged him and then she started out of the kitchen. He grabbed her wrist before she got too far away and pulled her close and said, “I have to go.” Then he kissed her and said, “See you later. I should be home before six.”
Ansley nodded and smiled. “Ok. Have a good day.”
Then as usual, he got that sad look in his eyes. The one that made Ansley want to scream until her voice couldn’t make another sound. The one that caused her to feel disgust, sorry, anger, and self-loathing all at once. He pushed her hair behind her ear and whispered, “Please look into rehab. I know it’s hard to imagine being gone and it won’t be easy on any of us. But you’ve got to do it.”
Ansley smiled and nodded and she looked down at his chest as she whispered, “Ok. I will,” knowing full well that she wouldn’t.
Jason kissed her forehead and then he let her go and started out as he yelled goodbye to the kids. Ansley made her way up the steps in between the loud sentiments being passed from upstairs to downstairs, up and down. “I love you.” I love you too.” “Have a good day at school.” “Ok. See you later.” And then of course, the finale – “Wait Daddy,” as Lily rushed by Ansley and down the steps. “You didn’t hug me.”
Ansley went straight to Lily’s room to pick out clothes for her to wear to school while she listened to the distant sentiments being passed back and forth again over a hug this time. When she heard the door close and the garage door open, she called to Lily to come back up and get dressed. She had the usual back and forth with Garrett over what he was going to wear and then she went back downstairs and sipped on her cold coffee again, waiting for them to come down dressed.
The routine continued – hair got brushed, lunches got packed, backpacks packed, everyone raced out of the door and into the SUV. On time every time.
Ansley raced back home with little time to prepare for her conference call. She had started her independent consulting business when Garrett was born and it had dwindled more and more every year since as she spent more time taking care of family and less time helping clients with risk management. Before kids, she traveled all over the world helping businesses to have success with project management, goals and company objectives, by analyzing the risks and liabilities and teaching them strategies to help them manage those risks. But now, her work was limited to smaller businesses who could only afford the discounted rates she offered in exchange for interacting online and off site.
Jason was in the same position he was in when they met – regional sales manager – except his territory had extended and his responsibilities had grown. Though the salary had not improved much – it had improved some. But her income, dwindling to almost nothing put a strain on their forever growing lifestyle and growing family. Nevertheless, they were keeping it together – forging on with the same grind that every other family in America was enduring on a daily basis.
Ansley finished her call – hopeful, but not fully convinced that she had a new client. She turned on the TV for a moment and mindlessly listened to the news. Finally after a little while had passed, she made her way back to the kitchen and poured herself another cup of coffee. Then she went to work making beds, gathering laundry, and sweeping floors. By lunch, she realized that she had missed breakfast and she was starving. She made a sandwich and then she read ads on a job posting site related to her field to find potential clients that she could solicit business.
After lunch, Ansley got in her car and drove to Target. She needed to pick up a leotard for Lily to wear in her dance class and some moisturizer for herself. After too much deliberation over a leotard, she quickly made her way over to the skin care aisle and got caught up looking over a plethora of products that could improve her skin and take years off of her appearance. Forty in two years. What happened?
Ansley looked at her watch. Three o’clock – time to pick up the kids. She rushed away from the aisle with three new products and a leotard in her cart and then she came to an abrupt halt as her cart turned itself down the wine aisle. It was mindless – not one thought went through her mind as she picked up the bottle of red wine and placed it gently in her cart.
Ansley checked out, went to pick up the kids, took them home, helped them through homework, cleaned the kitchen again, then started with dinner. It was a relief that baseball was finally over for the season and she didn’t have to rush back out the door toting and unhappy Lily to get Garrett to practice.
Lily, who was overly delighted by her new leotard, pranced around the kitchen showing it off. Ansley only had to ask her five times to take it off because she couldn’t eat dinner in it. Garrett was slumped on the couch watching cartoons that Ansley deemed inappropriate for Lily when she slipped off to hide in the bathroom, separating her bottle of wine into several smaller water bottles and hiding them in various places throughout the house. When she completed her task, she hid her empty wine bottle in her underwear drawer and she returned to cooking dinner.
Jason got home as promised, just before six and Ansley begged for him to handle the kids while she went for a run. She raced to change her clothes and she ran straight out of the door, not bothering to stop as she pushed her ear buds into her ears and turned her mp3 player louder. It was a difficult task to perform because by that time of day, her hands were shaking bad enough for her to want to hide them from herself. She fudged her way through it and continued on with an hour long run.
When she got back home, Jason and Garrett were playing video games in their bedroom. She waved to them as she walked by into the bathroom to wash her hands and change her shirt. Jason asked, “How was your run?”
“Great. Has Lily had a bath?”
Jason nodded as he yelled, “Oh no way. I can’t be dead,” and then Ansley heard Garrett laugh and say, “You suck, Dad.”
She rushed into the kitchen calling to Lily as she went by the steps. She asked what she was doing and the little voice called down sarcastically, “Playing with my dolls.” Ansley went to work washing dishes. She ate bites of food straight from the pans and dishes they were cooked in as she quickly tried to get it all cleaned up.
After half of the dishes were done and the table was wiped, Ansley stopped at the counter and took a breath. She listened. Lily was talking baby talk to her baby dolls in the playroom at the top of the stairs. The sound of machine guns and an occasional grunt or slur rang out from her bedroom. The computer behind her on the counter chirped and then the sound of the hard drive lightly turning filled the room. She breathed again and listened again.
Then Ansley slowly and quietly pulled out the water bottle that she had filled earlier and placed under the kitchen sink. She kept one eye on the bedroom door, watching for approaching shadows as she gulped it down, probably about sixteen ounces worth. Then she rinsed the bottle and placed it in the dishwasher.
She completed the task of cleaning the kitchen and then she ran up the steps calling to Jason that she was putting Lily to bed. The noise of machine guns continued to ring from the room. She walked Lily to bed and closed her closet door. Then she read to her a few pages from Rapunzel, which they had watched at least fifteen times over by then. Finally she tucked her in and then shut off her lights.
She walked slowly to the playroom and reached up to the top shelf of the bookcase, behind a row of DVDs and pulled out a second water bottle that she had filled. Then she gulped it down half of the large water bottle and then replaced it.
Ansley ran down the stairs and blew by Jason and Garret again, warning to Garrett that it was almost bedtime. She undressed and sped through a shower. Then she washed her face and put on her pajamas. Jason walked into the bathroom and she turned away so that he wouldn’t get a look at her eyes. He always analyzed her pupils since learning that pinpoint pupils were a telltale sign of drunkenness.
She asked, “Is Garrett in bed,” with her back turned to him.
“Yep,” he gargled with a mouthful of toothpaste.
“Did you kiss Lily?”
“Yep.” Spit, gag, spit.
“Alright. Going to tell Garrett good night. Be right back.”
Ansley ran up the steps and went into Garrett’s room where she found him reading a book with a flashlight. “You know if Dad comes up and finds you awake, he’s not going to be happy about it.”
Garrett groaned. “I just can’t fall asleep right now.”
Ansley hugged him and said, “Shut it down after a few minutes, alright?”
“Ok, Mom.”
Then she told him she loved him and he half-heartedly returned the gesture.
Ansley walked to the top of the steps and she listened. She heard the TV and then she heard Jason turning the page to a book. He was apparently already in bed and reading. She tiptoed into the playroom again and quietly grabbed her half empty water bottle again. She gulped down the rest and replaced the empty bottle back.
She couldn’t risk walking downstairs with an empty water bottle. If Jason happened to catch her with it, she would inadvertently lie about it and then get caught. Jason knew better than to believe it was left up there by a child. They had been down that path before and he had started smelling the insides of any water bottle she put her hands on. And getting caught made her a liar and an alcoholic.
Ansley straightened herself and she breathed in and out. She wiped her finger across her teeth. She breathed in and out. She steadied herself. She breathed in, and then out. She forced a smile. She breathed in. She breathed out. Then she went impassively down the steps.
I have got to make it a point to do something about the empty bottles hidden in the drawers, Ansley thought as she pulled herself out of bed and slipped on her robe, willing away the harshness of the morning.
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